The cringefest that is The Acolyte

I practically gave up on anything related to Star Wars after Rogue One, and only checked out the Obi-Wan Kenobi series for old time’s sake and still found it wanting.

So it was out of morbid curiosity and a slight masochistic streak that I decided to check out the notorious first three episodes of Disney’s The Acolyte.

I’m no movie expert and watched (and enjoyed) my fair share of low-brow-so-bad-it’s-good turkeys declared unfit for human consumption by professional critics, so I confidently marched into the whole thing with no expectations at all.

I was thinking maybe people expected too much out of Lucasfilm these days despite giving them ample evidence to temper their expectations lower with every new turkey they churned out over the years, and that maybe there’s an iota of likability in it that people may have missed, and I might find appealing.

There was a faint “I told you so” at the back of my head—the kind of self-rebuke a child experienced when he stuck a paper clip to an electric socket out of stubborn curiosity—after the whole exercise.

Suddenly the complaints about the Lucas-era outputs seemed overtly-entitled and overboard: Cutesy, cartoonish Ewoks? Fine. Stormtroopers with the marksmanship skills of a drunk blind person? Cool. Stormtrooper armor decimated by Ewok weapons? Sure. Anakin Skywalker’s sand complaints? Great.

The whole world owes Jar Jar Binks an apology.

I really can’t say anything new about The Acolyte a few million others haven’t already said. It was bad, and not in the same way like “RUN! BITCH! RUN!” was bad but still entertaining enough to watch. The only emotions The Acolyte were able to illicit were annoyance and uncomfortable embarrassment for all the people involved in it.

Media shills I’m assuming are under Disney’s payola are hard selling the thing and persecuting the audience for the nth time, as if the majority of those complaining about it did not pay for their subscription, and should be grateful for the paid torture they endured. Yet another shining moment for the media and its rapidly evaporating audience trust.

What an absolute tragedy. Rumors are circulating online that the worst is yet to come.

Paraphrasing Luke Skywalker: Star Wars is truly dead.

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