There’s just things that are unknowable that we need to let go of

A lover who begins to fade away is one of life’s greatest mysteries. You keep hanging on demanding answers and you get unhelpful responses like “it’s not you, it’s me”. Being paid lip service is a bitch when all you really want is honesty. You feel entitled to it, in fact. But life’s unfair. At the end of the day, people have their reasons for having a change of heart or a change of mind. Most of the time those reasons are inaccessible to those impacted the most by them.

Or worse, you get no responses at all. Just radio silence. Being ghosted is the worst thing. You wrack your brains rewinding to every moment you spent together in search of clues as to what might have gone wrong or what little gaffe could have triggered the chain of events that led to this. Alas, memories cannot be trusted and they degrade with time. They recede further into the backs of our minds and become harder and harder to retrieve. The trouble is the memories fade but the pain often remains. If you think the cure to open emotional wounds lies in one’s recollections of what opened them, then we are definitely screwed.

What then? If I hear “move on” one more time I’m gonna scream. I cannot simply will myself to simply move on. That’s an intellectual solution to an emotional problem. I remember all the same advise I had given my friends. They sound just a sensible when applied to myself. This is, after all, a relationship with no future. But facts like that don’t help. Facts are irrelevant to how you feel, and that’s a weird fact about being human.

So off I go, one step at a time. Move on in baby steps and try not too hard to think too far ahead.

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